Maintaining Autonomy & Friendships

Maintaining Autonomy & Friendships

Friendships can be messy, but for most people, they are a necessity.  Not to be mercenary, but the fact is that at some point you will need, or wish you had, some one's help.  Even Batman has Alfred.  But beyond the practical purpose of friendship, for some (not all) a solitary life, devoid of human companionship, is simply intolerable - mentally and emotionally.  It's not that it hasn't been - It has and does, but just like MGTOW, it's not for everyone.  So celebrate and nurture your friendships if you want or feel the need, but also understand that it's entirely possible to do so and maintain your autonomy.

Now what do I mean by maintaining autonomy?  Any kind of relationship comes with entanglements - even obligations, that do have the potential on many levels to undermine the very thing a MGTOW holds most sacred - autonomy.  You've liberated yourself from and immunized yourself against the predatory nature of "romantic" love, but how do you ensure that this same dynamic doesn't rear its ugly head in platonic relationships? It most certainly can.

I dare to say that all non-socio/psychopaths have experienced the "fair weather friend" phenomena, and/or the "over bearing" friend phenomena.   My answer is to answer in kind.  Force all of your relationships to stand up to the mutually beneficial litmus test, and act according to your findings and observations.  Put in as much as you can ascertain that you receive - no more, no less -that goes for emotional, mental, or physical support.   You can mix and match, and the perceived benefit is completely in the eye of the beholder, of course.  Just make sure that you're not being exploited yet (or ever) again.  If you genuinely enjoy a comrades company, and that is reciprocated - that is certainly enough.

But now for the "keeping at arm's length" part.  Close, intimate friendships are one of life's greatest gifts, but anyone who tells you that you cannot achieve such friendships without becoming emotionally dependent upon any one of them, and thus committing the emotional mistake of "attachment", is trying to sell you something - unwittingly or not.

My purpose here is not to dictate morality, so here is my recommended approach.:  Be brutally honesty about the nature of your friendships, and establish boundaries early on - even if that means risking a potential friendship.  From the start never agree to any favor or participation that doesn't genuinely interest you.  Don't agree to going out, if you'd rather stay in.  And if you do want to go out, don't stay out any longer than you desire.  Don't even make excuses/apologies - just go.  The sooner you demonstrate your autonomy, the better.  You don't even need to breach the whole "I'm a MGTOW" thing - demonstrate it, consistently, and no explanation is required.  Your friends will either accept that or not.  In my experience, if you are consistent and straight forward about it, your friends will accept your boundaries, even if it troubles them.  Remember, you are autonomous and that fact alone means that no one, NO ONE, has any legitimate reason to be offended.  Act like a friend - friends help each other out when the need is real, but DO NOT allow yourself to be manipulated by your friends' projection of false need.  That is exactly the same kind of manipulative tactic that women have used on you again and again - NO ONE is above attempting this kind of guile.  There's no need to get angry at your friends for trying it - just don't bite, not even once.

Yes, you'll be considered stubborn, perhaps a bit aloof, but if your friends are worthy of you - they'll respect and admire your stubbornness, even if they don't like it and especially if you are a true friend.  Remember, they can take you or leave you - that is the secret of "arm's length".  Being MGTOW means that you no longer accept being taken for granted by anyone.

Having said that, being a friend means that you recognize real need when it presents itself and you act accordingly - even if it's unsolicited.  If you care for your friends and friendships, you will offer your assistance when and where it is needed.  That means if you watch your friend's back.  You don't let him/her drive home pissed out of his/her mind.  You at least offer to drive or arrange for a Taxi.  You don't let your friend go hungry if he/she's in dire straights, or rot and melt into some couch for two weeks because you were too busy to answer the phone when he/she asked you for a lift to the ER.  Choose your friends wisely.  Stay away from thugs, predators and degenerates, naturally.  If you sense an inequity, if you detect that familiar "that's kind of shitty" voice in your head, go ghost.  Disappear without hesitation.  It's so incredibly easy to move along, once you know how to strategically arrange and simplify your life and mind set as a MGTOW.

Dealing with female friends and avoiding the MGTOW subject entirely.  It's rare that you'll find a female friend who could accept, much less understand your lifestyle.  Understanding isn't required.  Mutual respect is required.  The easiest way to handle this is to not handle it at all.  Let her fill in the blanks.  If she genuinely likes you as a person, she'll go with the most benign interpretation of your apparent unattached status and feel all the more clever for "having figured you out".  Let it be.  If that means she thinks you're a closeted homosexual, asexual, have a micro penis, supernaturally introverted (my favorite) or a Shaolin monk - so be it.  You can reinforce that belief if it serves your purpose, and your purpose is to not discuss your personal life.  Doing so will only create problems, so let and keep sleeping dogs - well - asleep.  Almost invariably the subject of your bachelorhood will be addressed.  As I said, reinforce her initial version of you, and if that doesn't work simply say "You are creeping me out" or "You are making me feel really uncomfortable" and physically remove yourself from the conversation.  That almost ALWAYS works, especially if you manage to make her feel embarrassed for having offended you.  After all, it really is none of her business, no matter how good of a friend she believes herself to be.

So you don't have to be a hermit, if it doesn't suit you - it just takes a little extra effort, planning, forethought and discernment.  I would guess that the vast majority of MGTOWs enjoy particularly rich and fulfilling friendships for precisely the same reason they enjoy particularly rich and fulfilling solitary pursuits.