Maintaining Autonomy & Friendships

Maintaining Autonomy & Friendships

Friendships can be messy, but for most people, they are a necessity.  Not to be mercenary, but the fact is that at some point you will need, or wish you had, some one's help.  Even Batman has Alfred.  But beyond the practical purpose of friendship, for some (not all) a solitary life, devoid of human companionship, is simply intolerable - mentally and emotionally.  It's not that it hasn't been - It has and does, but just like MGTOW, it's not for everyone.  So celebrate and nurture your friendships if you want or feel the need, but also understand that it's entirely possible to do so and maintain your autonomy.

Now what do I mean by maintaining autonomy?  Any kind of relationship comes with entanglements - even obligations, that do have the potential on many levels to undermine the very thing a MGTOW holds most sacred - autonomy.  You've liberated yourself from and immunized yourself against the predatory nature of "romantic" love, but how do you ensure that this same dynamic doesn't rear its ugly head in platonic relationships? It most certainly can.

I dare to say that all non-socio/psychopaths have experienced the "fair weather friend" phenomena, and/or the "over bearing" friend phenomena.   My answer is to answer in kind.  Force all of your relationships to stand up to the mutually beneficial litmus test, and act according to your findings and observations.  Put in as much as you can ascertain that you receive - no more, no less -that goes for emotional, mental, or physical support.   You can mix and match, and the perceived benefit is completely in the eye of the beholder, of course.  Just make sure that you're not being exploited yet (or ever) again.  If you genuinely enjoy a comrades company, and that is reciprocated - that is certainly enough.

But now for the "keeping at arm's length" part.  Close, intimate friendships are one of life's greatest gifts, but anyone who tells you that you cannot achieve such friendships without becoming emotionally dependent upon any one of them, and thus committing the emotional mistake of "attachment", is trying to sell you something - unwittingly or not.

My purpose here is not to dictate morality, so here is my recommended approach.:  Be brutally honesty about the nature of your friendships, and establish boundaries early on - even if that means risking a potential friendship.  From the start never agree to any favor or participation that doesn't genuinely interest you.  Don't agree to going out, if you'd rather stay in.  And if you do want to go out, don't stay out any longer than you desire.  Don't even make excuses/apologies - just go.  The sooner you demonstrate your autonomy, the better.  You don't even need to breach the whole "I'm a MGTOW" thing - demonstrate it, consistently, and no explanation is required.  Your friends will either accept that or not.  In my experience, if you are consistent and straight forward about it, your friends will accept your boundaries, even if it troubles them.  Remember, you are autonomous and that fact alone means that no one, NO ONE, has any legitimate reason to be offended.  Act like a friend - friends help each other out when the need is real, but DO NOT allow yourself to be manipulated by your friends' projection of false need.  That is exactly the same kind of manipulative tactic that women have used on you again and again - NO ONE is above attempting this kind of guile.  There's no need to get angry at your friends for trying it - just don't bite, not even once.

Yes, you'll be considered stubborn, perhaps a bit aloof, but if your friends are worthy of you - they'll respect and admire your stubbornness, even if they don't like it and especially if you are a true friend.  Remember, they can take you or leave you - that is the secret of "arm's length".  Being MGTOW means that you no longer accept being taken for granted by anyone.

Having said that, being a friend means that you recognize real need when it presents itself and you act accordingly - even if it's unsolicited.  If you care for your friends and friendships, you will offer your assistance when and where it is needed.  That means if you watch your friend's back.  You don't let him/her drive home pissed out of his/her mind.  You at least offer to drive or arrange for a Taxi.  You don't let your friend go hungry if he/she's in dire straights, or rot and melt into some couch for two weeks because you were too busy to answer the phone when he/she asked you for a lift to the ER.  Choose your friends wisely.  Stay away from thugs, predators and degenerates, naturally.  If you sense an inequity, if you detect that familiar "that's kind of shitty" voice in your head, go ghost.  Disappear without hesitation.  It's so incredibly easy to move along, once you know how to strategically arrange and simplify your life and mind set as a MGTOW.

Dealing with female friends and avoiding the MGTOW subject entirely.  It's rare that you'll find a female friend who could accept, much less understand your lifestyle.  Understanding isn't required.  Mutual respect is required.  The easiest way to handle this is to not handle it at all.  Let her fill in the blanks.  If she genuinely likes you as a person, she'll go with the most benign interpretation of your apparent unattached status and feel all the more clever for "having figured you out".  Let it be.  If that means she thinks you're a closeted homosexual, asexual, have a micro penis, supernaturally introverted (my favorite) or a Shaolin monk - so be it.  You can reinforce that belief if it serves your purpose, and your purpose is to not discuss your personal life.  Doing so will only create problems, so let and keep sleeping dogs - well - asleep.  Almost invariably the subject of your bachelorhood will be addressed.  As I said, reinforce her initial version of you, and if that doesn't work simply say "You are creeping me out" or "You are making me feel really uncomfortable" and physically remove yourself from the conversation.  That almost ALWAYS works, especially if you manage to make her feel embarrassed for having offended you.  After all, it really is none of her business, no matter how good of a friend she believes herself to be.

So you don't have to be a hermit, if it doesn't suit you - it just takes a little extra effort, planning, forethought and discernment.  I would guess that the vast majority of MGTOWs enjoy particularly rich and fulfilling friendships for precisely the same reason they enjoy particularly rich and fulfilling solitary pursuits.

TRANSCENDING SHAME

So what are the consequences of rejecting your role in society and how do you deal with all of that?

If you don't reproduce, your parents/grandparents/siblings/relatives/co-workers and even your friends likely are, will be, or were disappointed in you.  You won't be fulfilling your role as a legacy perpetuator to your "bloodline", and your friends will likely resent you for not joining them in the same prison.  Misery loves company.  And for those transient and rare examples of happy state sanctioned couplings, they'll be mystified by, or pity, you.

In any case, Shame will seek you out - and here (in my humble opinion) is how to let shame rain down happily upon you without getting a wee bit wet.  But first we need to put Shame into perspective.

Shame serves a purpose.  Shame can be good.  Shame makes civilization possible.  Shame, coupled with Guilt, discourages psycho/sociopathy. Shame has gotten a really bum rap in recent history-so has guilt - but I have to ask you, what would the world look like without Shame, without Guilt?  We're talking about a world without morality, without ethics, without justice - everything goes when you take Shame out of the equation.  Ah, but as much as shame can be a force for good, it can also be used maliciously, with ill intent.  It can be used to exercise unwarranted control for dubious reasons, and what's worse - Shame can be insidious and so pervasive that one hardly notices when it is used for dubious reasons, especially when it is used with malicious intent.  So, like most things, Shame needs to be viewed with a healthy amount of skepticism. 

I'm very tempted to go off the rails here and talk at length about my opinion of the phenomena known as "slut shaming", but I'll think save that for another day, and focus solely on the special kind of Shame that gets directed at the MGTOW - special because it comes at us from many directions, from traditionalists to progressives, the "left", the "right", the wealthy, the poor, the old, the young, the male, the female, the atheist, the theist, the feminist,  and even the occasional MRA.  Some people, many people, are simply offended by the notion that anyone (and I'm including women in this), would opt out of coupling with anyone.  The concept is so alien to their own world view, so disturbing, that it actually upsets them.  But why?  I'm still not sure, to be honest.  It makes me think of that Radiohead video where a man simply lies down on the sidewalk, refuses to get up, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_qMagfZtv8  and causes one hell of a stir, for simply lying on the ground and asking to be left alone.  And like in the video, some people will project their own anxieties upon a MGTOW, and some of those people will become very angry as a result, and they will be very inclined to Shame a MGTOW as a result.

I once received an email as result of identifying myself as a MGTOW that went something like this:  "Do us all a favor and drop fucking dead - you're just a pussy, manchild quitter.  You're like a spoiled brat who runs home crying after losing the game" ~ self-proclaimed feminist.    But the truth is, the MGTOW has only seen the "game" for what it truly is, and refuses to participate in it, because, as it turns out, it's no game - it's a caste system.  The irony is that I've encountered no small number of feminists who seethe at the mere notion of men going there own way, and that still astounds me.  Why would a feminist, a person who readily (and justifiably) fights against the pigeon hole of traditional feminine roles in society, be so offended (much less care) if a man rejects his own traditional role in society by dropping out of that role entirely?  That really is all there is to it, but for some reason this gets interpreted as misogyny.  MGTOW has nothing to do with hating women.  I'll say that again MGTOW has NOTHING TO DO WITH HATING WOMEN.  It's not even about rejecting women.  It has everything to do, in fact, with boycotting the same kind of chivalry, and paternalistic head patting that feminists hate.  MGTOWs will (or should) treat women with the kind of gender blindness that feminists champion, and we'll do it, whether women or feminists like it, or not.  Women cannot "have it both ways" with a MGTOW, and why on earth would they want to?  True equality is precisely what a MGTOW wants (or should want).  No, the playing field is not level, in so many ways, for so many.  The MGTOW has made it his life's work to create and inhabit his own field, and he is the author of the rules to his own game.

When a MGTOW arrives at a place where he no longer seeks marriage, or even the companionship of women, he's simply reached a personal epiphany, a realization, that he cannot resolve the paradox of female equality, gynocentrism/female supremacy and female privilege that he observes every where he looks.  He cannot reconcile the three.  He can acknowledge and desire egalitarianism, but he cannot ignore the greater culture that depicts men as bumbling idiots and demonizes him.  He cannot ignore the readily apparent laws, both cultural, institutional and legislative, that benefit women at his exclusion, or blatantly descriminate against him.  And here is where is interest in the mens rights movement often, but not always, comes into play.  Because, afterall, he cannot remove himself entirely from the presence or influence of women, without cutting himself off completely from civilzation.  He might dream of secluding himself in some remote cabin and living apart from society altogether, as a hermit, but that is a monumental undertaking in this century, filled with mind blowing logistical obstacles.  Dropping out entirely (without breaking the law), disengaging, it turns out, takes a massive amount of resources and effort - and this is absolutely by design.

So how does one rise above the unjustified Shame directed at a man going their own way?  He shrugs.  He's beyond feeling any need to justify or validate his existence - it was his thwarted efforts to do so that brought him to his epiphany in the first place.  That is the "game", and the only way to win, is not to play.  It's so simple, obvious and correct, and men are waking up, en masse, more and more, everyday.  A man is enough, singularly.  Enjoy your life, hold what you've got and celebrate it.  Develop it to its greatest potential.  A woman is not required for that; the vast majority will only serve as an obstacle to that end.  Autonomy is nothing to be ashamed of - in fact it's something to take great pride in.  True autonomy is rare and precious.  Anyone who tries to make you think otherwise is selling you dependence and slavery.   No amount of shame can diminish you, when you are enough.

Gleaming the Cubicle

 

A few notes on clandestine autonomy in the work place, and why it works for me.

Keep your work and your personal life separate, but just don't act like you're keeping your work and your personal life separate
- "I don't know. . . fly casual"
~ Han Solo.

The fact is, the greater society still frowns upon autonomous/unattached men.  We aren't to be trusted, because we won't be controlled, and that scares the shit out of a lot of people.  People fear what they don't, or won't understand.  And while being "mysterious" and even "anonymous" both have their advantages, they can also create harmful speculation, mistrust, and above all unjustified scrutiny.

So how do you maintain your autonomy without drawing too much attention to yourself?  Let them fill in the blanks and then reinforce the most boring and benign theories about who you are and what you are about.  Be friendly, be polite, but always maintain a formal and professional distance from your co-workers.

Work ethic:
I know this isn't the kind of advice that "climbers" would give, but let me assure you that there are long term benefits to maintaining a formal and professional distance from your fellow employees (peers, superiors and inferiors) and avoiding workplace politics without exception.  People come and go.  Careers are indeed made via relationships and networking, but careers are also destroyed via relationships and unwise alliances and/or rivalries.  You have the advantage of  being single, of not having to serve two masters, use that advantage, especially if your career is just starting.  Use the time you have to master yourself, your work and your life.  Do your job, master it, capitalize on the preoccupations, laziness, and incompetence of your coworkers by picking up their slack and learning to do their job, be a "team" player until you've made yourself indispensable.  Once you've arrived at "indispensable" you can actually do some real good for your employer and your career by allowing the people, who have come to depend on you to hide their laziness and incompetence, to demonstrate their incompetence at your discretion.  All that is required is that you withdraw your support, and leave them to their own atrophied devices.  This isn't "throwing people under the bus" - remember, they put themselves in that position, willingly - and they did so at your expense.

Work relationships:
DO NOT socialize with the people you work with outside of the office, unless you can identify a very specific reason that this would further your own purpose, and even then set and maintain strict boundaries.  Never let venue lull you into letting your guard down.  Some will deliberately make you feel at incredible ease just for a glimpse at a chink in your armor.  Be friendly, amiable in the office, but avoid anything but friendly small talk.  You will undoubtedly be asked personal questions from time-to-time, invent or even take up/make up a few, boring, run-of-the-mill hobbies and credible anecdotes that you can talk at length about, if need be, to satisfy the "water cooler" requirement.  You should be "working out" or engaging in some kind of health maintenance/improvement program anyway.  No matter what you do for fitness, call it "working out", don't bring up the "gym" even if you are a member of gym, because you want to avoid the "we should workout together sometime" problem. If that subject gets broached, just tell them that you workout at home.

You might have (and you should have, because that's one of the most valuable MGTOW benefits) any number of incredibly interesting pursuits/hobbies.  Keep it to yourself.  You don't want to seem interesting.  Again, keep and guard jealously the things that make you who you are.  Keep these worlds separate.  Don't bring your work into the "dojo", don't bring the "dojo" to your work.  Never discuss politics and keep your mouth shut about "current events" - disinterest and apolitical-ness are the cards to play here.  If you find yourself a direct target of misandry/sexism, seek and find a way to remove yourself from that situation in the most benign way possible.  You're going to have to bite your tongue at times, but you can affect change, even at work, through patient and diligent action - not words. Do resist the urge to cater to women.  No special favors, no kid gloves.  Treat them exactly as you would a male co-worker no better, no worse - keep both at arm's length.  Avoid Shit Tests (more on that later). Overtime, I have developed the ability to actually view the people I work with as sexless, but this is only possible if you make it impossible for them to view you as anything more than your job.    Remember, you are working to earn money to survive and flourish as a truly free individual, you cannot effectively resist, you cannot affect change, if you can't support yourself adequately.   You can do it, HAPPILY, without raising a single eyebrow.  I've done it, successfully, for over a decade and it has ALWAYS served me well.

Never, under any circumstances, even flirt with the notion of dating or having sex with anyone even remotely connected to your work - nothing good can come of it.  If you find yourself being the subject of a co-workers attraction/affection, put and end to it, immediately, no matter how harmless it might seem.   Project, reinforce and maintain the notion that you do not approve of, nor participate in romantic relationships with co-workers, as a matter of principle.If that makes you seem a bit uptight, so be it.  I've found that people, including women, respect that position, even if they don't agree with it.  A healthy fear of being accused of sexual harassment is absolutely justifiable, no matter what your company policy states.  It's simply an unreasonable risk to take.

Don't flirt, and don't allow yourself to be flirted with. How do I prevent someone from flirting with me, you ask?  Easy, describe the behavior to the flirter as creepy, weird, strange and inappropriate - and be deadly serious about it.  Show real disgust. "But what if they start thinking I'm a homosexual?"  So what?  It doesn't matter, at all.  Your perceived sexual preference is a non-issue, and any ambiguity you might be subject to with regard to sexual preference will only work to your advantage as a MGTOW.  It really is no body's business, after all, and they know it, and if they're fucking block headed enough to confront you about it, you can and should embarrass and shame the absolute shit out of them for it, not to be an ass, but to ensure that the subject never gets broached again.