Maintaining Autonomy & Friendships

Maintaining Autonomy & Friendships

Friendships can be messy, but for most people, they are a necessity.  Not to be mercenary, but the fact is that at some point you will need, or wish you had, some one's help.  Even Batman has Alfred.  But beyond the practical purpose of friendship, for some (not all) a solitary life, devoid of human companionship, is simply intolerable - mentally and emotionally.  It's not that it hasn't been - It has and does, but just like MGTOW, it's not for everyone.  So celebrate and nurture your friendships if you want or feel the need, but also understand that it's entirely possible to do so and maintain your autonomy.

Now what do I mean by maintaining autonomy?  Any kind of relationship comes with entanglements - even obligations, that do have the potential on many levels to undermine the very thing a MGTOW holds most sacred - autonomy.  You've liberated yourself from and immunized yourself against the predatory nature of "romantic" love, but how do you ensure that this same dynamic doesn't rear its ugly head in platonic relationships? It most certainly can.

I dare to say that all non-socio/psychopaths have experienced the "fair weather friend" phenomena, and/or the "over bearing" friend phenomena.   My answer is to answer in kind.  Force all of your relationships to stand up to the mutually beneficial litmus test, and act according to your findings and observations.  Put in as much as you can ascertain that you receive - no more, no less -that goes for emotional, mental, or physical support.   You can mix and match, and the perceived benefit is completely in the eye of the beholder, of course.  Just make sure that you're not being exploited yet (or ever) again.  If you genuinely enjoy a comrades company, and that is reciprocated - that is certainly enough.

But now for the "keeping at arm's length" part.  Close, intimate friendships are one of life's greatest gifts, but anyone who tells you that you cannot achieve such friendships without becoming emotionally dependent upon any one of them, and thus committing the emotional mistake of "attachment", is trying to sell you something - unwittingly or not.

My purpose here is not to dictate morality, so here is my recommended approach.:  Be brutally honesty about the nature of your friendships, and establish boundaries early on - even if that means risking a potential friendship.  From the start never agree to any favor or participation that doesn't genuinely interest you.  Don't agree to going out, if you'd rather stay in.  And if you do want to go out, don't stay out any longer than you desire.  Don't even make excuses/apologies - just go.  The sooner you demonstrate your autonomy, the better.  You don't even need to breach the whole "I'm a MGTOW" thing - demonstrate it, consistently, and no explanation is required.  Your friends will either accept that or not.  In my experience, if you are consistent and straight forward about it, your friends will accept your boundaries, even if it troubles them.  Remember, you are autonomous and that fact alone means that no one, NO ONE, has any legitimate reason to be offended.  Act like a friend - friends help each other out when the need is real, but DO NOT allow yourself to be manipulated by your friends' projection of false need.  That is exactly the same kind of manipulative tactic that women have used on you again and again - NO ONE is above attempting this kind of guile.  There's no need to get angry at your friends for trying it - just don't bite, not even once.

Yes, you'll be considered stubborn, perhaps a bit aloof, but if your friends are worthy of you - they'll respect and admire your stubbornness, even if they don't like it and especially if you are a true friend.  Remember, they can take you or leave you - that is the secret of "arm's length".  Being MGTOW means that you no longer accept being taken for granted by anyone.

Having said that, being a friend means that you recognize real need when it presents itself and you act accordingly - even if it's unsolicited.  If you care for your friends and friendships, you will offer your assistance when and where it is needed.  That means if you watch your friend's back.  You don't let him/her drive home pissed out of his/her mind.  You at least offer to drive or arrange for a Taxi.  You don't let your friend go hungry if he/she's in dire straights, or rot and melt into some couch for two weeks because you were too busy to answer the phone when he/she asked you for a lift to the ER.  Choose your friends wisely.  Stay away from thugs, predators and degenerates, naturally.  If you sense an inequity, if you detect that familiar "that's kind of shitty" voice in your head, go ghost.  Disappear without hesitation.  It's so incredibly easy to move along, once you know how to strategically arrange and simplify your life and mind set as a MGTOW.

Dealing with female friends and avoiding the MGTOW subject entirely.  It's rare that you'll find a female friend who could accept, much less understand your lifestyle.  Understanding isn't required.  Mutual respect is required.  The easiest way to handle this is to not handle it at all.  Let her fill in the blanks.  If she genuinely likes you as a person, she'll go with the most benign interpretation of your apparent unattached status and feel all the more clever for "having figured you out".  Let it be.  If that means she thinks you're a closeted homosexual, asexual, have a micro penis, supernaturally introverted (my favorite) or a Shaolin monk - so be it.  You can reinforce that belief if it serves your purpose, and your purpose is to not discuss your personal life.  Doing so will only create problems, so let and keep sleeping dogs - well - asleep.  Almost invariably the subject of your bachelorhood will be addressed.  As I said, reinforce her initial version of you, and if that doesn't work simply say "You are creeping me out" or "You are making me feel really uncomfortable" and physically remove yourself from the conversation.  That almost ALWAYS works, especially if you manage to make her feel embarrassed for having offended you.  After all, it really is none of her business, no matter how good of a friend she believes herself to be.

So you don't have to be a hermit, if it doesn't suit you - it just takes a little extra effort, planning, forethought and discernment.  I would guess that the vast majority of MGTOWs enjoy particularly rich and fulfilling friendships for precisely the same reason they enjoy particularly rich and fulfilling solitary pursuits.

TRANSCENDING SHAME

So what are the consequences of rejecting your role in society and how do you deal with all of that?

If you don't reproduce, your parents/grandparents/siblings/relatives/co-workers and even your friends likely are, will be, or were disappointed in you.  You won't be fulfilling your role as a legacy perpetuator to your "bloodline", and your friends will likely resent you for not joining them in the same prison.  Misery loves company.  And for those transient and rare examples of happy state sanctioned couplings, they'll be mystified by, or pity, you.

In any case, Shame will seek you out - and here (in my humble opinion) is how to let shame rain down happily upon you without getting a wee bit wet.  But first we need to put Shame into perspective.

Shame serves a purpose.  Shame can be good.  Shame makes civilization possible.  Shame, coupled with Guilt, discourages psycho/sociopathy. Shame has gotten a really bum rap in recent history-so has guilt - but I have to ask you, what would the world look like without Shame, without Guilt?  We're talking about a world without morality, without ethics, without justice - everything goes when you take Shame out of the equation.  Ah, but as much as shame can be a force for good, it can also be used maliciously, with ill intent.  It can be used to exercise unwarranted control for dubious reasons, and what's worse - Shame can be insidious and so pervasive that one hardly notices when it is used for dubious reasons, especially when it is used with malicious intent.  So, like most things, Shame needs to be viewed with a healthy amount of skepticism. 

I'm very tempted to go off the rails here and talk at length about my opinion of the phenomena known as "slut shaming", but I'll think save that for another day, and focus solely on the special kind of Shame that gets directed at the MGTOW - special because it comes at us from many directions, from traditionalists to progressives, the "left", the "right", the wealthy, the poor, the old, the young, the male, the female, the atheist, the theist, the feminist,  and even the occasional MRA.  Some people, many people, are simply offended by the notion that anyone (and I'm including women in this), would opt out of coupling with anyone.  The concept is so alien to their own world view, so disturbing, that it actually upsets them.  But why?  I'm still not sure, to be honest.  It makes me think of that Radiohead video where a man simply lies down on the sidewalk, refuses to get up, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_qMagfZtv8  and causes one hell of a stir, for simply lying on the ground and asking to be left alone.  And like in the video, some people will project their own anxieties upon a MGTOW, and some of those people will become very angry as a result, and they will be very inclined to Shame a MGTOW as a result.

I once received an email as result of identifying myself as a MGTOW that went something like this:  "Do us all a favor and drop fucking dead - you're just a pussy, manchild quitter.  You're like a spoiled brat who runs home crying after losing the game" ~ self-proclaimed feminist.    But the truth is, the MGTOW has only seen the "game" for what it truly is, and refuses to participate in it, because, as it turns out, it's no game - it's a caste system.  The irony is that I've encountered no small number of feminists who seethe at the mere notion of men going there own way, and that still astounds me.  Why would a feminist, a person who readily (and justifiably) fights against the pigeon hole of traditional feminine roles in society, be so offended (much less care) if a man rejects his own traditional role in society by dropping out of that role entirely?  That really is all there is to it, but for some reason this gets interpreted as misogyny.  MGTOW has nothing to do with hating women.  I'll say that again MGTOW has NOTHING TO DO WITH HATING WOMEN.  It's not even about rejecting women.  It has everything to do, in fact, with boycotting the same kind of chivalry, and paternalistic head patting that feminists hate.  MGTOWs will (or should) treat women with the kind of gender blindness that feminists champion, and we'll do it, whether women or feminists like it, or not.  Women cannot "have it both ways" with a MGTOW, and why on earth would they want to?  True equality is precisely what a MGTOW wants (or should want).  No, the playing field is not level, in so many ways, for so many.  The MGTOW has made it his life's work to create and inhabit his own field, and he is the author of the rules to his own game.

When a MGTOW arrives at a place where he no longer seeks marriage, or even the companionship of women, he's simply reached a personal epiphany, a realization, that he cannot resolve the paradox of female equality, gynocentrism/female supremacy and female privilege that he observes every where he looks.  He cannot reconcile the three.  He can acknowledge and desire egalitarianism, but he cannot ignore the greater culture that depicts men as bumbling idiots and demonizes him.  He cannot ignore the readily apparent laws, both cultural, institutional and legislative, that benefit women at his exclusion, or blatantly descriminate against him.  And here is where is interest in the mens rights movement often, but not always, comes into play.  Because, afterall, he cannot remove himself entirely from the presence or influence of women, without cutting himself off completely from civilzation.  He might dream of secluding himself in some remote cabin and living apart from society altogether, as a hermit, but that is a monumental undertaking in this century, filled with mind blowing logistical obstacles.  Dropping out entirely (without breaking the law), disengaging, it turns out, takes a massive amount of resources and effort - and this is absolutely by design.

So how does one rise above the unjustified Shame directed at a man going their own way?  He shrugs.  He's beyond feeling any need to justify or validate his existence - it was his thwarted efforts to do so that brought him to his epiphany in the first place.  That is the "game", and the only way to win, is not to play.  It's so simple, obvious and correct, and men are waking up, en masse, more and more, everyday.  A man is enough, singularly.  Enjoy your life, hold what you've got and celebrate it.  Develop it to its greatest potential.  A woman is not required for that; the vast majority will only serve as an obstacle to that end.  Autonomy is nothing to be ashamed of - in fact it's something to take great pride in.  True autonomy is rare and precious.  Anyone who tries to make you think otherwise is selling you dependence and slavery.   No amount of shame can diminish you, when you are enough.